


Higher Love

by flowersforgraves



Series: please help I'm in depeche mode hell [16]
Category: Boondock Saints (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Physical Abuse, Pre-Canon, Sexual Violence, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 17:59:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16897344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowersforgraves/pseuds/flowersforgraves
Summary: These are things Connor knows.(noncon and abuse not between the twins)





	Higher Love

**Author's Note:**

> partner encouraged me to post this even though I wrote it in the small hours of the morning

These are things Connor knows: 

Connor knows he loves Murphy. He knows because Murphy is his brother, his twin, his best friend. They've never been separated, not really, and they need each other like they need air. Their ma says they were supposed to be one person, and that's why they're so close, but privately Connor thinks they're just satellites, each drawn in by the gravity of their love for the other.

Connor knows Murphy is gay. He knows because Murphy'd said as much, fourteen years old and terrified. He'd whispered it, then yelled, as if saying it louder would make Connor leave, but Connor hadn't moved. And when Murphy had stopped yelling and started shaking, Connor had held him and murmured soft soothing words in his ear.

Connor knows he's bisexual. He knows because he's kissed girls, and he's kissed boys, and he likes them both just as well. His girlfriends had said he was a good kisser, and his boyfriends had said the same, and Murphy had teased him endlessly for not being able to make up his mind which he liked better.

Connor knows Murphy's boyfriend is taller than him and stronger than him. He knows because they've arm-wrestled on tabletops and measured back to back. He keeps trying, despite the fact that he knows nothing has changed, that he's done getting taller and that he hasn't changed anything to build muscle in his arms.

Connor knows he shouldn't listen to the noises coming from the next room over. He knows because it's fucking common courtesy, to pretend you don't know when people are having sex next door, and he knows because it's twice as bad to listen in when one of the people is your twin brother.

These are things Connor does not know:

Connor does not know why, when Murphy's boyfriend invites Murphy to move in with him, Murphy says yes on the condition that Connor comes too. He asks, and Murphy just shrugs and tells Connor they're twins and he's not choosing this guy over Connor. 

Connor does not know why Murphy wears high collars and long sleeves even when it's warm out. He asks, and Murphy sidesteps the question, sometimes so neatly Connor doesn't even realize it until long after their conversation is over.

Connor does not know why Murphy doesn't take his shirt off in front of him anymore. He doesn't ask, and Murphy doesn't volunteer, and so he sits and notices things that are different, now that Murphy is in a serious relationship.

Connor does not know why his chest feels tight when he thinks about Murphy shacking up with this guy -- Marvin? Martin? for the rest of his life. He puts it down to the twin thing, and that they have never stopped orbiting one another all their lives.

These are things Connor finds out:

Connor finds out that it's very hard to not think about Murphy having sex in the room next door. He finds out when he's trying to ignore it, deliberately concentrating on his copy of Don Quixote, and he starts absentmindedly palming his cock through his boxers. He finds out again the following night, and the night after, and the night after that.

Connor finds out that Murphy's voice is rough after sex, and that his hair stands up. He finds out when he wakes in the middle of the night to find Murphy making himself a cup of coffee and he demands his twin pour one for him too. 

Connor finds out that Murphy is quieter, now. He finds out when the easy familiar banter isn't as quick, like Murphy is preoccupied with something. He finds out again when Murphy doesn't tease him the same way he used to, and again when he has to ask Murphy to repeat himself because he can't hear.

These are things Connor realizes:

Connor realizes that he's uncomfortable with the idea of someone else touching Murphy. He realizes when Murphy's boyfriend curls an arm around his twin's waist in public possessively, and kisses him deep and dirty in front of other people, and scares off anyone who tries to flirt with Murphy.

Connor realizes that he's in love with his brother. He realizes when he thinks about how he's felt for other boyfriends or girlfriends in the past, and when he imagines kissing someone else, and when he grits his teeth to smile for Murphy because as long as Murphy is happy, Connor will be happy as well if it kills him.

This is the thing Connor walks in on:

Connor walks in on Murphy face down on the kitchen table with his boyfriend's cock in his ass. He sees the angry marks on Murphy's arms and back and sides, hears Murphy beg for mercy, to not be hurt anymore. He sees the man holding his brother's hair, pulling until Murphy is crying. He hears him say that Murphy deserves this, that Murphy is lucky, that Murphy should be grateful.

These are things Connor thinks, afterward:

Connor thinks, _I laid in bed and jerked off to the sound of my brother being raped._

Connor thinks, _I should have known._

Connor thinks, _I should have stopped it._

Connor thinks, _He's going to pay._

Connor thinks, _Protect Murphy._

These are things Connor does:

Connor pulls the man off of Murphy. He doesn't care that he's being loud, doesn't care that he's attracting attention, doesn't care that the man is taller and older and stronger.

Connor beats the man bloody. He punches and kicks and bites and uses every fucking dirty trick he knows to make this man hurt, and only when he is unconscious do the blows trail off and finally stop.

Connor holds Murphy close. He cleans the blood and spit and lubricant and come from Murphy's skin, rubs his back and stays strong while Murphy weeps quietly into his shoulder.

Connor gathers their things and prepares to leave. He lets Murphy take the space he needs, and in the meantime he packs up everything they'd brought with them -- not much -- and everything he thinks might be useful -- not much else.

These are things Connor says: 

Connor says that he's not quite sure what happened, officer, that he hadn't heard anything going on and that he'd been playing a game of chess with his brother while the man somehow beat himself unconscious.

Connor says that he loves Murphy, that it wasn't Murphy's fault, that Murphy isn't dirty or tainted or a sinner for what happened. He's not sure Murphy believes him, but he says it nonetheless.

Connor says that everything is fine. He says it to Doc, to the priest at the church when he takes confession, to himself in an attempt to ease the guilt aching in his chest for everything he did and didn't do.

These are things Connor does not admit:

Connor does not admit that he fantasized about making Murphy come apart and make the noises he'd made for that fucker. The truth that he was oblivious and taking pleasure from Murphy's suffering hurts too much.

Connor does not admit that he knifed the fucker two weeks after he and Murphy moved out and back to their shitty fifth-story tenement. If he did, that would require him to talk to the police, and he doesn't want to put himself or Murphy through that.

This is the thing Connor uses:

Connor uses his love for Murphy to protect his brother at all costs. When he cuts his wrists to the bone pulling the toilet out of the ground, he loves Murphy. When he jumps from the window in a fall that should have killed him, he loves Murphy. When he puts himself in the way of Yakavetta's bullets, he loves Murphy.

This is the truth Murphy never finds out:

Murphy owns Connor. He is beautiful and fragile, like the talons of a hawk, he is Connor's downfall and his salvation, he is Connor's and Connor is his, and Connor will not -- cannot -- refuse him anything.


End file.
